Today while reading The Healing Power of Trees by Sharlyn Hidalgo I learned that this month is “Beith” or “Birch” in the Celtic tree calendar. In a nutshell, this is what the book states that the month of Birch symbolizes.
"Beginnings, endings, a new start; cleansing; overcoming difficulties; pliability; re-establishing boundaries; purification and renewal; releasing old patterns and shedding unhelpful influences; resolution of conflict."
Lately I have been struggling with all of this. There are many things I have struggled with letting go and it seems the past month or so the struggles have been doubled and sometimes tripled. I don’t think it is coincidence that as I am feeling I have reached my limit with these burdens, I learn that this month symbolized rebirth and letting go in many forms.
For instance, the astrological sign for this month is Scorpio. Scorpio is ruled by Mars and Pluto and one of the systems it governs is the elimination system. Basically, it governs the ability to eliminate anything that is preventing you from growing and being happy. That is precisely what I need right now.
My brain has always been my worst enemy, that has never been so prevalent as it is now. The things I can’t let go of right now all stem from the overwhelming amount of insecurities I sometimes wear. I wish getting rid of insecurities were as easy as removing a garment or shedding your skin like a snake. Curiously enough, I now remember from my reading earlier that the snake is one of the totems this month. How interesting that I feel as if I should be shedding my skin. Shedding this negativity so I can move on to the next faze of myself. A better version, more enlightened version.
I can’t seem to let go of jealousy the most. Specifically jealousy that I feel towards any person my boyfriend has been with in many definitions of the word. There are two women specifically that I feel the most rage-full jealousy towards. The most recent woman he was in a relationship with and one from years ago. The one most recently I feel the least amount of jealousy towards; it is mostly physical jealousy. She has the body type most men want-not what I have. She is curvy in all the right places. I have very minimal curves. This is a ridiculous thing to be jealous of or to care about considering He wouldn’t be spending as many months as he has with me if he didn’t find me physically attractive.
The other woman, she poses the most jealousy I have probably ever felt in my life. She is the one that got away. After all these years, he is still in love with her. I don’t know for certain if he still feels this way, but from previous conversations, I can guess he does. I feel love for past partners, but not in the sense that I would ever want to be with them again. It is more like the love you have for a relative. I feel as though once you love someone, it never goes away. It just morphs into a different form of love. I can’t help but drive myself insane wondering if He wishes She was in my place.
This is the worst feeling of all. Being in love with someone who loves someone else possibly more than they love you, which they may not even love you at all.
When I look at our relationship, I should not be complaining about these feelings. Especially because they very well could be a figment of my overzealous imagination. He is the most wonderful human I have ever even been friends with. I doubt highly that I have ever been so lucky to have someone in my life, let alone have that person want to share theirs with me.
The bottom line of this mini revelation I had and am having is that I feel, no, I know that I can overcome this with the help of some spirituality and meditation. I can shed all of this negativity that causes strain on my happiness thus strain on our relationship. I am so thankful for purchasing this book, yet even more thankful for the incredible things this world can teach you if you just listen.